okay okay okay okay okay

i haven't written in a few weeks now

i hate myself

im so pethetic, i weigh the same amout i have weighed since november

what the fuck is wrong with me

i used to weigh 126 when i first made this

then i went up to 130

a week ago i starved myself and did ddr for about an hour a day

i got right back down to 126


but i bingeeeddd like every day for the past week and i gained the four pounds back


its because i binge and purge and i dont get it all out

then i starve myself and then i justr inge again

its a vicous cycle, and i am so stupid since i see it coming, yet i cant avoid the binge

ughh tommorow fdjsklfjsdlk;fjs


i dunno im so fat and miserable


i hate myself

i want to loose twenty pounds by the end of april

i know that it is definately possbible, but i am scared that i dont have the will power to do it

fjdkslfjkls;d
im so frustrated i am going to break down and cry i am so fat

Today is beautiful! It's all due to glabal warming which is bad, but the weather isn't treaty me too poorly. There is so much shit going on in my life though, that the weather will never be able to fix. A friend at school found out that I am bulimic, and she told my other blabber-mouth friend. Who tells her mom everything. And her mom is the steorotypical rich housewife who just eats up gossip. So she told some mother of a friend I went to emelementary/missdle school with that she knew from her son's hockey team. And then the hockey mom from my old school called up my mom's good friend who has a daughter my age in my grade. The lady that called up my mom Ms. Maria, is actually like a really chill &down-to-earth person. and she said that she didnt believe it but she just thought my mom should know that this is going around. Of course my mom denied it, even though she knows I'm mia.

THIS SET MY MOM OFF! She knows that I am depressed because I have been blowing off all of my friends and sleeping in untill 2 or 3 in the afternoon. And she knows about Mia. So she is all worried and shit, and this just sucks. She is always accusing me of doing drugs and shit like that. It just fucking pisses me off.

So I called up my friends who were talking about me in the first place and yelled at those bitches and I threatened taking them to court for slander. I may be reserved from my depression- but I'm still fukcing ballsy as ever. I asked Meaghan ( the friend who told her bitchy as mom who told the other hockey mom) if I could speak with her mom so I could warn her that I was pressing charges for slander. But she made up some bullshit abou how her mom couldn't come to the phone. (Even though they were in the same god damn car- that kills me!).

So I bitched at meaghan anyway, and I spelled out to her how hurtful this was for me and my family and she is a phony piece of shit so she was liek "i know! I kno! i care about you and would never want to hurt you! I love you! " blah blah blah.... fucking bull. OF COURSE she denied telling her mom, but I know the truth, and I am not guliable.

So Alish the origional girl who found out...... I called her before I ever called meaghan. And I told her that I would never speak to her again and that I would press cahrges. Because NOT ONLY did she tell people about my Mia, she has apparently been telling bitches my family problems that only she knows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I feel so stupid and betrayed! I really want to kill myself!

Yesterday was Christmas. I ate 2354131 calories. I had no breakfast or lunch, but we had dinner at the neighbor's house. My dad made his fattening but delicious rab dip and i had like 3 servings. And I could not wait for dinner so I was eating all these sugared peacans, and chocolate covered pretzels. Then for dinner I had sweet potatoes, and some rolls. I dunno how many cals, then I had a tiny piece of cake and a million bizilion kissables, and cherry filled hershy kisses. I dunno how many!

I am going on a fast untill break is over. The hardest part will be concealing the fast. I don't know how I am going to dodge my family.

But christmas was great if I don't count my eating habits. I got a shitload of clothes from Delia's- that prolly wont fit my fat ass. And I got a digital camera. Its red & awesome! I am going to take some pics to post up here to show my progress(or lack of.)

Well Happy Holidays. (Even though nobody is reading this).

So today is christmas eve, pssh. It doesn't feel like it at all! My family is so disfuncitonal. I haven't written since friday afternoon and so much has happened. So after I went to the mall with Ally, she came over and her tiwn sister and my friend kevin and i ate sooo much food. The whole time I was just planning on my purge for when they left. I ate almost an entire bag of peanut m&m's, a box of cookies, and a mini ginigerbread house. By the time they left it was 1:30 am. Everyone in my fam was still awake, and my sister found it peculiar that i ran up into my room with a can of orange soda- she knew i was on the verge of a purge. So she came into my room with this fake cranky/tired voice asking what all the noise was. Then I wasn't able to barf because then everyone's eyes were on me. So I failed, BIG TIME. Then Saturday me and my mom had a bitch fit- as usaul.- she is hovering over me at this very moment telling me to "get off that computer" and i can smell her breath. - My family is seriouly crazy. Everyone hates my dad, me and my sister have so much tension built up from the ED's, and my mom is PSYCHO!!!!! Its not just menopause. We're all fighting over money, and the christmas mass we're attending. It doesn't even matter because we're going to be at least thirty minutes late. AS ALWAYS. Then we're going to duck out early because my dad made reservations at some resturant that we ate at for thanksgiving. Pretty sad, eh? Every one is in the kitchen screaming and stomping and yelling, and having mood swings.

Yesterday:
B: none
L:none
D:none
S: 2 sugar cookies


Today:
B:none
L: a bizillion grapes & a bananna
D.....we're going out to eat 563456465464689746546 calories!!!!

hopfully i can get away with a light salad. I dunnnnooo

Tommorow is going to be hell. I hate my life- and my disfunctional family.

I hate christmas, I hate everything. I hate my parents the most though- mainly because they brought me onto this earth, into this misery.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.


fjdksljfklsd

I did it. I binged.
After I had my soup, I went into these chocolate covered gram crackers, and had two bowls of cereal. I drank A LOT inbetween because i knew i had to purge. I urged really well, but it always jsut feels that way when you drink a lot of fluids. I bet I didn't get it all out, I never do. This sucks, but I'm just going to get up, and keep trying.
If I fall 7 times, I'll get up 8. And the good thing is, that I got the binge out of my system, now I won't want food for the rest of the day. And nobody caught me or anything, since my sister, and my mom are both working. And my dad is kind of dumb, he doesn't really notice when I'm bingig to purge. Sooo at least it is out of my system. And now I can focus. I think me and my friend Ally are going ot the mall, because I still gotta get my sister a christmas present, and Ally needs to get something too. So now I am occupied. I don't like going out though, because I feel so fat. When I'm shopping by myslef, I feel fine. But when I am with a skinny little friend, I get so insecure. But Ally is really cool, and doesn't really care what she looks like ( cause she is beautiful and doesnt have to!) so im less ancy. Arghhh I'm gonna go scrunch my hair and put on some mascara or something.

Okay, so I just had lunch. I was kinda piggish. I made a boulin cube and but some peas in it that were in the frige. And I couldnt help my self when I was waiting for the water to boil so I had some grapes. I looked it up on the internet and each seedless grape has 2.4 calories and I had 8 grapes so that is 20. Then I made a second bowl of soup. I acutally havent eaten it yet. My dad bought all these cookies and muffins frot he store and they look soooo good im comtemplating binging and purging. But I dont want to!! I wish I had some kind of a distraction!

Yesterday was my first day with out Mia. I kept control pretty well.
No breakfast or lunch, just a pack of crystal light and two glasses of water.- 10 calories
then i had one grape- 5 calories?

lol i dunno.

last night i just stared at my body in the mirror for hours while listening to my ipod.

To keep my mind off of food i made some thinspiring collages. I clipped out i shit load of pictures of Nicole Ricci, and super models out of Vogue magazines. I put thinsperational quotes on the top of the three pages such as " Saying 'no thanks' to food is saying 'yes please' to beauty"

Everytime I feel the need to binge I will probably just look at the collages.

I weighed myself today, and I don't want to gross anybody out but the scale read 128. That is one pound less then the other day. So I dunno.

I just wish I never got into Mia, it caused me to gain three pounds!

HOW FUCKING FRUSTRATING! espcially when my sister found out, she is Mia too. And it is really hard for me not to binge & purge because I can hear her running up to her room with all this food, and cookies. But I'm trying not to dwell on it!

DISCIPLINE DISCIPLINE DISCIPLINE!!!


I think today I am going to start a 2468 cycyle. Becuase I will be able to have 800 cals on Chirstmas, and 600 on chirstmas eve. And my family always eats a lot together. And since they all know the signs of an ED from watching my sister, they will all be on my case. My current goal weight for the next three weeks is 117.


My friend Alish just got her permit, and she is 5'4 and has a really cute body. So I was pretending to look at her picture on her Provisional Liscence, but really I glanced at her weight. The card read 117. So that is my goal weight for the next three weeks.

Hopefully I can fast after Chirstmas, if not I will just keep on 2468 track untill I am safe to not eat anything. Ugh it is so much thinking. I am so hungry, and I am thinking about fixing myself a boulin cube, but I dont know how low cal mine are. I'll have to find the box!

Sores in the throat, blisters between the fingers,
the taste of the mercy and the smell of it lingers.

Push it out, push it out.
Don't regret you're pleasure.
If you dont, it all adds up,
Misery at the measure.

A vicous cycle of passion and regret,
broken blood vessels under the eyes that wept.

A runny nose, and swollen glands,
the symptoms of a cold,
A better festering sickness,
and an unpleasent fate fortold.

I will not have a binge and purge-
waste antother day,
Its time to end this cyle-
I'm flushing you away.

farewell mia.

I wrote this poem a few days ago, this is my farewell to bulimia.
Ana is the only ED in my life now.

It's only been a few hours since my last post, but so far things are going okay. I have trained my body not to be hunry for breakfast or lunch. Dinner Time will be here soon enough and that is where the hunger pains begin. I'm prolly gonna meet up with one of my friends at the mall this evening so that I can be preoccupied when my body craves food. I'll tell my friend that I ate at home, and my family that I ate at the mall. I have to get my sister a christmas present anyway. She is the only person on my list I have left to buy for. I've been looking up thinsperational quotes on the internet, and some pics too. I'm feeling pretty inspired. I'm going to scrapbook everything that I find thinsperational. This girl kind of looks like me, excpept for, she is thinner. I want to look like this: Just beautiful.

I've only had ten calories today (crystal light) , and I plan on keeping it that way.

This is my first day of Christmas Vacation. And my second day off of Mia. I am back with Ana, but I am afraid of binging. I know that I am in control, but sometimes I don't execute my will power over my hunger pain. Its christmas which means holiday meals and cookies. If I give in to those temptations I know I will be forced to purge. I can't cheat on Ana anymore. I just need some support!